


Tears

by Nyx_Ships



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: M/M, So yeah, This is pretty angsty, brohm-hell on tumblr, but i love angst, i just got an account, this is from a while ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 04:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8831308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Ships/pseuds/Nyx_Ships
Summary: In which Ryan is crying over his past and trying to keep his breakdown from Bryce.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Brohm-Hell from tumblr got herself an ao3 account :3 So I'm gonna start uploading my Brohm fics on here, tumblr, and Wattpad so they're accessible everywhere. This one is one of my angsty ones that I used as an excuse to vent. So yeah, here ya go :3

  
The tears rolled down his face as he sat with his knees up to his chest, hazel eyes dark with pain. He didn't try to wipe them away, feeling the wetness drip off of his chin and onto his hands, but not bothering with cleaning the familiar sadness off.

They rolled down his cheeks, leaving trails behind, trails that led straight to his eyes, eyes that had seen more than the average person, more than the most pained of people.

He faced the wall, his eyes unblinking as the crying continued. A single sob was torn from his throat as he thought.

His thoughts.

He didn't like to go over them often. Sometimes they were dark and intense, and in those times he couldn't stop himself from crying, because the tears came against his will as memories and thoughts coursed throughout his mind, flooding his sanity.

Memories he didn't want to keep reliving. He knew what he had done, he had his regrets. He didn't need his mind to keep reminding him over and over again what a monster he was.

And the thoughts. The damn thoughts. Dark thoughts that only a psychopath would ever think, but somehow, Ryan was thinking them on a regular basis.

They threatened his entire being, those thoughts and memories. But what could he do about them?

Nothing.

They kept coming back, no matter how many times he buried them down. How many times he tried to forget, how many times he pushed them away.

But you can't forget things like that. He had been told. Did he listen? No. But now he knew.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, staring at a random spot on the wall, concentrating on ridding himself of his pain.

It was what Ryan always did when he was in this state, this terrifying, weak state. He would stare at the wall, chanting words like a mantra that would eventually push his demons back, at least for a little while.

So he sat there, repeating the one sentence that he had found always delayed the thoughts and memories. The four words that had always proved to be successful.

"Stay strong for Bryce."

As corny as the words were, they helped. At least, most of the time. Most of the time, the words filled him with hope, freeing him from the darkness that was his mind.

But as of late, his hope had begun shrinking, his words becoming weaker and not as full, as if he had finally realized that there was no being strong in this.

He tried to repeat the sentence a few more times, hoping to feel something, but all he felt was sadness and anger as his demons came back, harder than ever.

He slumped against the side of the couch and grit his teeth in frustration, kicking the wall in front of him, his foot leaving a small indentation in the drywall.

His eyes widened a bit, but then they were back to partially closed and teary as he spoke into the quiet air, hoping no one was listening.

"Shit...sorry, Bryce." He whispered, voice overcome with sadness and pain that wouldn't go away.

He found himself moving forward, holding his knees to his chest as the memories washed over him in a wave of regret, and he shook ever so slightly, the past replaying in his mind, bad choices and actions engraved into his head.

Tears streamed down his face, soft noises coming from his mouth as certain memories plagued his being, threatening to tear him apart at the seams.

A sudden voice and he was quickly wiping his eyes, trying to erase the evidence of his weakness.

"Ryan?"

He took s deep breath, trying to calm himself for the other's sake, and wiped at his eyes some more, swallowing down cries.

He didn't dare turn around, in case his face was still red and maskless-metaphorical mask of course. The mask he wore to show happiness and security.

If the other was to see behind his mask, he would see all the things the brunette had done, all the regrets, the emotions.

And he didn't want the blonde to see all of those things. He was too pure for that, too angelic.

Ryan's mind would corrupt him if he wasn't careful, and Ryan didn't want the bubbly roll of happiness to end up like him, to be as hopeless and weak as he.

He inhaled deeply, swallowing harshly, wiping the last of the tears away, not trusting his voice.

A hand rested on his shoulder and he flinched, the sudden warmth confusing him, but also comforting him. The light voice broke through his dark thoughts, and Ryan's heart dropped.

"Ryan.....are you......crying?"

His body tensed at the question, and he knew he couldn't lie. The taller male was always able to tell his lies from his truths, but he was desperate to keep the blue eyed angel from knowing.

"No...." He mentally kicked himself for the weakness that had leaked into his voice, and he couldn't help it as another tear made its journey down his face, falling onto the floor silently.

His breathing was shaky and uneven as he inhaled, and the hand tightened on his shoulder, obviously worried for the older man and his mental state.

"It's ok, Ryan. I won't judge you, you know that. Why don't you stand up and come to bed?"

Ryan sniffled, biting his lip and looking down at his knees, unable to keep the sadness from his voice any longer.

"I don't want to, Bryce."

The tears flowed down his face steadily now, all past resilience deteriorating as he felt soft fingers roaming over his back, trying to give him some type of solace.

"You'll get cold down here all alone, Ryan."

"I don't care."

He heard the sigh escape from the other's lips, and it made the tears fall faster. The blonde was obviously concerned, but Ryan couldn't bring himself to turn to look.

Ryan closed his eyes, trying to will the tears away and keep his sanity, but it was pointless. He swallowed harshly and his eyes opened, cries ripping from his throat when Bryce's arms moved to a more comfortable position.

Quiet sobs wracked his frame as Bryce's arms made their way around his body, pulling him against the younger male with ease, hands rubbing circles onto his arms as a type of calming touch.

The brunette couldn't stop himself from relaxing into his lover's embrace, and it made his heart drop more, the fact that he couldn't hold his ground.

There was a time when he was able to contain everything and wear an indestructible mask everywhere, showing only his happiness and proving to himself that he was strong, but that time had ended long ago.

When he met Bryce.

Somehow, after meeting the blonde, Ryan began to feel himself break emotionally. And when they started dating? It was even worse. He could barely leave the house without feeling some sort of sadness or remorse for the past.

It was like Bryce had unlocked the doors to his past, and Ryan wasn't sure he liked that too much.

But for some reason, he couldn't stay away from Bryce, he couldn't leave. Because he was in love. And there was no going back from that.

So now he resorted to showing his weakness in the solitude of their home, usually when Bryce was away or asleep.

Then he could sit on the living room floor for hours and let his pain out, still careful as to not be too loud.

Obviously he had failed this time, or else Bryce would be in bed sleeping at this ungodly hour, and not rocking the two of them back and forth as tears stained a broken face.

Ryan couldn't help the heart breaking sound that came from inside him, full of emotional pain that he was sure Bryce could hear.

The blue eyed beauty pulled Ryan's hands off of his knees, intertwining his hands with his own, placing them in Ryan's lap. His legs wrapped over Ryan's so the smaller male was nearly laying in his grasp.

Bryce rested his chin on Ryan's shoulder, and the brunette inhaled weakly, his eyes closing for a second before they popped open, Bryce's voice making him wince slightly, surely noticed.

"Everything's okay, Ryan. It's okay to cry." He paused to readjust his head, positioning himself so that he could look at Ryan from the brunette's side. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

The question made Ryan go into a flashback, with his therapist asking the same exact thing, at least when he used to go to the therapy. But Bryce didn't know that.

Bryce was better than a therapist, though. He was genuinely concerned. He knew Ryan, he knew the strong, independent Ryan. And this weak, small one was sure to cause some type of concern.

Ryan found himself speaking, his voice a bit raw from crying and holding things in.

"It hurts..."

"What does?"

Ryan's shoulders sagged and his eye twitched as the memories and pain invaded his every being. This is what he got for opening up.

"Everything. Everything, Bryce."

He felt the soft kiss against his temple, but it didn't change anything, Ryan was still hurting inside and his tears were still flowing.

"It hurts so much, Bryce."

He felt careful hands travel up his body, stopping at his face to wipe the tears away. He couldn't stop crying at this point, so the gesture was completely useless, but he didn't stop Bryce from trying.

He didn't want to be seen like this. To have to be comforted in such a way. It made him feel weaker than he was, and he didn't want to be labeled as weak.

"Why does it hurt, Ryan?"

Ryan tried to lift himself up, but Bryce kept him in his arms, forcing Ryan to lean back down, head against the blonde's chest, body pressed into his own.

The hazel eyed man thought about the question, tears making it hard for him to see as he looked out across the room at The Wall.

That wall had seen all of his pain. That wall was the one he always looked at while thoughts and old memories filled his every being. That wall had felt hands pounding on it, feet kicking at it, and a head laying against it with a silent plea.

That wall had seen more than Bryce ever would, and Ryan wanted to keep it that way, for Bryce's own protection.

"Ryan?"

He flinched at the way Bryce said his name. It held care and love, but he could hear the slight fear in it to.

What was he afraid of?

Ryan? Or what was happening to him? Was he afraid for him?

"Yeah...?"

He cursed in his head for the scared tone of his voice and the slight shaking of his body as he waited.

He felt Bryce lean back a little, his back now against the side of one of their couches, pulling Ryan with him, changing their positions so that Ryan's head was now in his lap, legs still wrapped up in his own.

He played with Ryan's hair, twirling a brown lock around his finger, knowing it calmed Ryan down when he was upset.

"I love you."

Ryan's breath caught in his throat, and he closed his eyes, hands slightly shaking as Bryce took a hold of them.

"Ryan, I love you, okay? And I wanna know what's wrong, because it's tearing me apart not knowing why the person I love the most in this world is in tears. You're always so happy, so strong. And it's scaring me to see you like this. I wanna know what could be so bad to make you, of all people, cry like this."

Ryan couldn't help but bury his face into the side of Bryce's leg, one hand gripping his thigh as jeans became wet with tears.

The confession and explanation were making things so much harder. Ryan wanted to crawl into a ball and die, the pain too much to bear any longer.

His voice was raspy, quiet, weak with pain and not sounding like him at all. But it was him, and it was terrifying.

"I made mistakes..." he paused, trying to hold himself together, but soon his words flew from his mouth, unable to hold back his pain any longer.

"I made mistakes in the past, and there's nothing I can do to stop these memories from coming back and haunting me. I-...I can't do it anymore, Bryce. I hurts too much...."

He pulled himself out of Bryce's lap, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands.

His legs were stuck under Bryce's, so he couldn't get up, but he stayed in that position, crying harder than ever before and shaking noticeably.

Soft sobs continued to pour out of him, and Bryce watched, his eyes soft and lips in a small frown as he watched the man in front of him break down.

It was almost too much to handle, seeing his lover in such pain and watching the struggle that was going on in those hazel eyes he loved so much.

But Bryce fought through the urge to cry himself, and he leaned forward, completely engulfing Ryan in a hug, arms wrapping around his waist, fingers interlocking to keep Ryan from escaping the loving grasp.

His lips connected with Ryan's shoulder, and he heard the soft intake of breath from the brunette as he kissed his way up to his cheek, stopping there to speak.

"Let me help you."

The words were something Ryan was unaccustomed to. No one had ever offered to help him the way Bryce was doing right now. It confused him, to say the least.

He pulled his hands away from his face, finally turning to look Bryce in the eyes.

Bryce swallowed harshly as he stared into pain filled, stormy eyes. He could see deep within Ryan's soul at that moment. He could see all of the sadness the older man actually had, and he could see the pleading look in his eyes that begged for help, but wouldn't ask.

"God, Ryan....."

Ryan closed his eyes for a second to process the voice. This was exactly what he had been afraid of: Bryce's reaction to his weakness.

He was expecting fear and rejection, and for a moment, he really thought Bryce would walk away, leave him to help himself, to drown himself in mistakes and past memories.

But instead, Ryan was surprised with the understanding and softness that passed over Bryce's features. The gentle nodding and soft touch of two hands on his cheeks, wiping away pain filled tears and keeping them away.

Bryce's eyes were filled with their own pain, different yet the same. Ryan couldn't help but stare into them, searching for the source of the pain, but never finding it.

"Ryan....I know how much it hurts. As surprising as it sounds, I know. There were things said and done in the past, that I never want to go over again, but sometimes I do, and you know who's always there to hold me when I do? It's you, Ryan."

He kissed the tip of his nose, eyes watering a bit, but holding his tears back so he could continue, staring straight into those hazel eyes, those pain filled, dark, knowing hazel eyes.

"All those times I was crying in bed while you held me tight and whispered to me? Those tears were from the past." He paused, swallowing, searching Ryan's eyes for some type of sign that he was comprehending what he was saying. The softening of Ryan's gaze told him he knew.

"And you helped me. You know what it's like to comfort someone. I know what it's like to be comforted. The roles can switch every now and then, Ryan. Right now, I want them to. I want you to feel better. I want you to tell me things. I want you to sit with me and cry it out, in my arms. I want you to realize that you have me, Ryan. Me."

Ryan turned in his grasp, so his shoulder was against Bryce's chest. He let Bryce hold him close, he let him say these things, and he didn't interrupt. At this point, be couldn't.

Bryce's words had reached Ryan's heart, going straight to his core, and Ryan couldn't help but feel loved because of it.

He sat there, in Bryce's arms, letting tears flow and sharing with Bryce his problems, his past.

Instead of leaving, of shunning, Bryce sat and listened, heart aching for his lover, the memories shared with him absolutely heart wrenching.

But, it was exactly what Bryce knew was best. Because at the end of the day, it would make both men feel better, especially Ryan, and that's all that Bryce wanted.

He wanted Ryan to be okay, to know that he could open up to the blonde, because that's what relationships were about. He needed Ryan to be okay, to be able to share things with him.

So, as Ryan cleared his throat and cuddled into Bryce, the blue eyed beauty couldn't help but let out a relieved exhale, knowing that Ryan was about to speak again, share more about his past with Bryce.

"I hurt people when I was younger. Really bad. But it wasn't on purpose, and I feel like shit knowing what I did, Bryce. I hate feeling like this. Like I'm always going to be sorry, or trapped."

Ryan shook slightly as words spewed from his mouth, but he found himself calming down as each thought and memory was shared with Bryce.

"That's okay, Ryan. It's okay to hate feeling a certain way. Let it out, just tell me everything."

He squeezed the older male's hand reassuringly, a silent promise that he wouldn't abandon him in his time of need.

Ryan understood the action, the touch. He understood what Bryce was silently telling him.

So he told him more, he opened himself up, let himself be vulnerable to Bryce.

It was a weird feeling, something he wasn't sure he enjoyed, but he trusted Bryce, he trusted the blue eyed man too much to keep things hidden any longer.

And that's all that Bryce wanted.

For the remainder of the night, the house was filled with two voices: one aching, pained, vulnerable voice, and one calm, soothing, quiet voice that seemed to take the pain away while supplying more love.

Come morning time, Ryan would be in Bryce's arms, sleeping peacefully for once, secrets shared and mind freed from the memories and thoughts. His body would be pressed against the blonde's, holding on tightly, no longer afraid to share his demons with the younger man.

And that's all that Bryce had wanted.


End file.
